Words Matter

I’ve realized the importance of words and how they can be a powerful tool for some people and detrimental to others. Thinking before you speak is quite the struggle especially because you want to be heard, understood and validated. Communication is the equitable dance between talking and listening but truly hearing one another. I’ve attended many conferences and they’ve discussed the notion of “listen to understand, not to respond” of course I’ve been guilty of the latter or even worse not saying anything at all. It takes me longer to process and organize my thoughts since I have a lot of those going on at once. From a recent TED talk I watched, they facilitated an exercise where you have two people practice these skills, one being the listener and the other the speaker. The speaker chooses a simple sentence to share with their partner but the twist is you spell out every word and the listener has to be very attentive and only focus on what the other is spelling to be able to put the words and sentence together. Then you reverse the roles. I have practiced this and it is harder than it sounds but so fascinating. I’ve been making a conscious effort to apply “active listening” in my day-to-day life and work and it does make a difference. It’s definitely a challenge but one that will benefit you in many ways. Ultimately, we communicate all day every day whether verbal or most commonly non-verbally and being mindful of our intent and expression is essential to be successful. Just like anything else you wish to improve on, it requires consistency and practice for it to become more natural and comfortable. My grandmother used to tell me “Catherine if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it” and this resonated with me and to this day my biggest problem in communication is not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings which is probably rooted on this notion of being kind to others. Now in my adult life I am learning to navigate the challenges of communicating what I need in a way that I’m comfortable with but also not neglect how I feel about a situation. Being tactful about your choice of words and understanding that how you feel and think might be totally different from other people’s perspectives so never assume and always ask before interpreting what you hear. Asking “correct me if I’m wrong but what I hear you saying is…” or in the words of Brenee Brown “The story I’m telling myself is” and this allows the other person to: 1) know they were heard 2) an opportunity to agree, disagree or clarify; which allows for a healthy discussion and mutual understanding. Practice the art of active listening and selective speaking but value the underrated power of silence. You don’t always have to comment or respond, simply listening and being visibly engaged in the conversation is at times sufficient.